Little Seeds

So many things worked perfectly

the timing itself was grand

It was started by a piano, and

a question from a lost man.

He wondered where we went to school

and we told him, as well we should,

that we were bible college students

and music majors to boot.

He congratulated us for saying

our campus name with pride

for being unashamed in declaring

our faith in Jesus Christ.

When Daniel asked him of his faith,

whether he knew the grace of God,

and if he were to pass away,

would he be home with the Lord

He said he didn’t know.

Then he said probably not

“I believe in God,” he told us,

“and heaven, the cross, and hell, but

I don’t think that I would go to heaven,

If I were to die tonight,

I live life to the fullest” he said,

“I know I don’t live in the light.”

Daniel asked if he could share

the truth the gospel holds.

The man said “yes, of course he could”,

but some of the story he may know.

Daniel lead him through the Roman Road,

through Ephesians and through John.

He explained the death of Jesus

and how he has overcome.

Christ has won against the Devil

death and sin are gone.

Though he was dead, Christ lives again

Our God, our God has won.

Daniel told how we can receive this grace

Through no merit of our own

we cannot boast in our salvation

but through the one on heaven’s throne.

But Steve was taken aback by this,

by the idea of unmerited grace,

we knew he thought good works mattered

it was written on his face.

His crucifix shone in the streetlight

as a wrinkle creased his brow.

He thought for a while on a question

as though he didn’t know how

to voice the words caught on his tongue

about this gift of grace,

and instead he asked us how

it is possible to keep 100% faith.

“How do you give all of your trust

to a God you can’t even see?

Do you always have to be sure

in order to truly believe?“

We told him it’s not easy

how we have doubts and we have fears,

but how, through everything that happens,

one thing we hold dear

that our God is watching over

every child who calls him “Dad”

No matter what we do or fear,

our life is in his hand.

No matter how we disobey

or the idols that steal our love

salvation does not depend on us

it is fixed in Christ alone.

Rebekah and I then quickly ran,

though the distance wasn’t far,

to get the gospel of the apostle John
from inside Daniel’s car.

A mad dash back and a challenge

for Steve to read the book,

and if he has more questions

to take a second look.

He thanked us for the time we spent

explaining the story to him.

He told us he would think on it

while he flew back to his home.

I asked if we could pray for him,

and the four of us joined hands,

I prayed for protection, favor, and comfort,

and that Steve would understand

The story that gives life

and that he would come to love it, too

That he would accept the grace of God

and let Christ make him new.

The prayer over, we said goodbye,

to our new friend named Steve,

and we said a prayer once again

that he would soon believe.

Tonight as he lies thinking

on the truth that he has heard,

please direct his heart and mind

to open up Your word.

An evening spent in friendship,

with pianos, teas, and jokes

ended with a prayer

for the seeds that we had sown

Lord, bring someone to water

this little budding seed

please help this tiny sapling grow

into a giant tree.

Be Still My Soul

I am broken.

I am left in the dust without

a token of the person I wish I could be.

I am searching for affection,

a deep soul connection

I want to fill the void in my soul

with people or words

but nothing I know

can fill what I want to fill. the pain lingers still

though I try, I try, I try to fix myself.

I try to find a way out of this hell

I have made for myself.

I am looking for love so far from the source

looking for relationship that will quench this thirst

But not people, not inflicting pain

can ease this hell,

I cannot gain fulfillment from this.

I look to the past to solve this emptiness.

I dwell in past memories and with past friends

and all these are good to a certain end.

but they cannot solve my problem.

I look the future and al it has in store

but I know for now that door

is still closed.

there is a time coming when

i will know what today’s tomorrow holds.

but today is the present and wishing

for the past and future can’t fix

the now.

I want to change myself to be liked

to be known

not seeing that I am loved by the one who has known

what it’s like to be human

to break and to be.

He is constant, unchanging,

knows each hair on my head

and He sees me as beautiful, as his precious child.

He’s the one who made me and when he sees me

He smiles

because when He looks at me He sees another child.

His Son clothed in grace

He sees in my place.

This family resemblance allows me who is broken

to have communion with God

as a Father

and listen to words spoken between God, Son and Ghost,

the perfect Trinity.

I can listen and speak and know I belong

to the God of the universe who shines

brighter than the sun.

I am known by the king who died in my place

who one day I will see face to face.

So why do I strive to fill myself here?

where everyone is broken and everyone fears.

See, now I know this and in this I stand firm:

the Kingdom of God is within me

so though this world burn,

friends shun and reject me,

everything I’ve known be torn from my grasp,

and I gasp and I choke on the pain I feel

I will praise my Daddy still.

I belong in His home,

I belong with my Dad

In comparison to this not a trail

I’ve had is so bad

that I fall out of His grasp.

I am beloved by my God

and that is enough.

So I will shout to the Heavens

new praise to my King

until the world rings with joy found in Him.

And until the world knows

that only He can take a person like me

and cause them to grow.

He can release their bonds

and allow them to see

that He made

and loves

and is in all things.

So why are you cast down, o my soul.

Find your worth in God

and know. That He formed you

and made you His beautiful bride.

So though no matter how terrified this makes you feel:

He is all you need.

My soul, be still.

Not About Me

It’s not about me.

It is not about my comfort,

My plan,

My illusion that I have control.

Because I don’t.

I lost that right

On the night I took my first breath

And my first step

And I first cried out into this world.

I was nothing

And if it weren’t for you and your

Great mercy

Who took a step back and said

I see more.

I see this nothing and

Know I can make it something.

This nothing is worth my dying for.

You deemed me a worthy

Candidate for grace.

When I rejected you,

You took my place.

I stopped and gazed

Upon your broken face,

Upon the holy one.

With a whispered love

My world,

The world of which I was

“most”

was rocked to the core.

You grabbed my heart

And opened my chest

You loosed chains and

Completed the arrest.

You cracked me open.

Arrested into freedom

Held captive by love.
I can see now that your grace is enough

Gently you seized my heart

And helped me to see:

My life is not about me.

My story is for God’s glory.

You alone are the reason

I have

The breath in my lungs to cry

Or to praise.

You are the strength in my feet

When the world gives way.

You are the author of this story of mine

Yet I shake my fist

And dare to correct the author of time.

I want my plan first

And so often I am unaware that

When I am at my worst it is then

I took it into my own hands.

Live to worship and

Live to serve.

What more can I do?

There is so much more you deserve

But I am incapable of giving

All of the praise due.

My story is not for my own good.

So be gentle of spirit and see

Where God leads.

I am a lamb

Walking in fields of green.

Lead me where you will

Still.

Life is not about me.

Dear Past Me:

Hey. It’s me. Well you. Yeah. You get it. I’m you in the future. There are just a few things I want you to know. I wish so desperately that you could fully grasp these things and we have the chance to put them into practice.

First off, life is going to be great. It’s beautiful! You will do things that you never, ever thought you would get to do by the time you are eighteen. Like travel to Italy; see the Colosseum, ride a gondola in Venice, visit the most perfect place in the entire world- San Gimignano. You will have friends that will stand by you through anything. You will laugh, a lot. You will learn to swing dance. You may not be good at it, but hey, you’ll love it as much as you think you will. You’ll (hopefully) go caving, and backpacking.

It’s not going to be easy, though. You will be scared, very, very, scared about growing up. You will battle anxiety, and depression, and a bunch of crap like that. People will get on your nerves. You won’t ever get a lead in one of Mrs. Cap’s plays. You will feel alone at times. Relationships that you thought were steady will change at the least opportune time. Grandparents will begin getting sick and you’ll worry and cry a lot.

Now that I've got that covered, can I give you some advice?

Practice piano, every day for as long as you can. Listen to Mom, because she really does know best. Tell her everything. Sing, at the top of your lungs, all the time. Don’t be afraid to talk about your problems. Painting your new room green is a good idea, even though mom says it’s not. You’ll still like it in ten years. Life goes by so fast, so please enjoy it. Getting older doesn’t bring freedom, you’ve got it right now. Go climb a tree, woman. Spend more time outside. Play house every day. The time is coming when you wish you could still play like you used to, and you will enjoy the memories of playing. Read, anything and everything. Don’t give up dance lessons- especially tap. Please, don’t give up dancing. You’ll come back to it (sort of) and wish you had kept up. Laughing is key, so find the humor in everything. Spend time dreaming. 

I know you are careful with your heart, but, just so you know: soon you’ll get a crush on a great guy. I mean a really great guy. But while you’re at college he’ll break your heart. Unintentionally, but he will. Just begin preparing yourself, it's not going to be easy. On the subject, you may as well give up your dreams about being sixteen. You won’t go on your first date (you won’t even have a boyfriend by the end of freshman year of college) or get your first kiss or have a boy ask you to prom. You will get your license, though, and it’s awesome. Driving is awesome.

Overall life at eighteen will be good. You will still love Robin Hood and Peter Pan and Disney in general. You’ll still love music and acting and imagining and pretending. You will be surrounded by people who love you. You will still love writing. You will love people deeply. You will adopt a “little sister” and love her as if she were related by blood. You will try to be someone she can look up to. You and Sara will be best friends. Mom will also be one of your best friends. And Daddy. You’ll have disagreements, but you’ll love him even more than you do now. Yeah, I didn’t think it was possible either. He is and will be the absolute best dad you could ever ask for. So hug him a lot.

Little me, be careful but take risks. One of the best decisions you’ll make will be a complete leap of faith. But I’ll keep that one a secret. ;)

I still don’t know what comes next. Life next year is just a big question mark. I’m working on it though. We may end up being a music teacher! and we may end up going to Gordon, just like mom did. I don’t know who we will marry or anything like that, but I know that God is good. He’s not nearly done working with you yet. This is just the beginning.

So just take it a day at a time. Life doesn’t seem so big when your God is bigger, and it’s not so threatening when you take it step by step.

This is going to be one heck of an adventure, Rach.

Best regards,

Future you.

Spring

Spring is a memory whispered on the breeze. It’s the promise of warmth carried on the backs of the returning birds. It’s wiggling your bare toes through the cold damp dirt. Spring is that distinct, amazing smell that  fills the air. Spring is dancing around in your kitchen with the windows cracked open. It’s that overwhelming excitement you feel when you see the first buds opening on the trees. It is opening the windows while you are driving, even though it’s still too cold to be comfortable. It means listening to your guilty pleasure music just because it seems to fit the moment. Spring is dying Easter eggs and eating Cadbury eggs. It’s playing your favorite outdoor games for the first time after a long winter. It’s pretending that you’re not cold as you stubbornly wear shorts and flip-flops. It is wishing that you could see Aslan for real.

Spring is music, and memory, and promise. It’s joy, and excitement, and laughter. Spring is rain, and clouds, and sunshine. It’s flowers, and swings, and bare feet.

Spring is coming.