Be Still My Soul

I am broken.

I am left in the dust without

a token of the person I wish I could be.

I am searching for affection,

a deep soul connection

I want to fill the void in my soul

with people or words

but nothing I know

can fill what I want to fill. the pain lingers still

though I try, I try, I try to fix myself.

I try to find a way out of this hell

I have made for myself.

I am looking for love so far from the source

looking for relationship that will quench this thirst

But not people, not inflicting pain

can ease this hell,

I cannot gain fulfillment from this.

I look to the past to solve this emptiness.

I dwell in past memories and with past friends

and all these are good to a certain end.

but they cannot solve my problem.

I look the future and al it has in store

but I know for now that door

is still closed.

there is a time coming when

i will know what today’s tomorrow holds.

but today is the present and wishing

for the past and future can’t fix

the now.

I want to change myself to be liked

to be known

not seeing that I am loved by the one who has known

what it’s like to be human

to break and to be.

He is constant, unchanging,

knows each hair on my head

and He sees me as beautiful, as his precious child.

He’s the one who made me and when he sees me

He smiles

because when He looks at me He sees another child.

His Son clothed in grace

He sees in my place.

This family resemblance allows me who is broken

to have communion with God

as a Father

and listen to words spoken between God, Son and Ghost,

the perfect Trinity.

I can listen and speak and know I belong

to the God of the universe who shines

brighter than the sun.

I am known by the king who died in my place

who one day I will see face to face.

So why do I strive to fill myself here?

where everyone is broken and everyone fears.

See, now I know this and in this I stand firm:

the Kingdom of God is within me

so though this world burn,

friends shun and reject me,

everything I’ve known be torn from my grasp,

and I gasp and I choke on the pain I feel

I will praise my Daddy still.

I belong in His home,

I belong with my Dad

In comparison to this not a trail

I’ve had is so bad

that I fall out of His grasp.

I am beloved by my God

and that is enough.

So I will shout to the Heavens

new praise to my King

until the world rings with joy found in Him.

And until the world knows

that only He can take a person like me

and cause them to grow.

He can release their bonds

and allow them to see

that He made

and loves

and is in all things.

So why are you cast down, o my soul.

Find your worth in God

and know. That He formed you

and made you His beautiful bride.

So though no matter how terrified this makes you feel:

He is all you need.

My soul, be still.

Not About Me

It’s not about me.

It is not about my comfort,

My plan,

My illusion that I have control.

Because I don’t.

I lost that right

On the night I took my first breath

And my first step

And I first cried out into this world.

I was nothing

And if it weren’t for you and your

Great mercy

Who took a step back and said

I see more.

I see this nothing and

Know I can make it something.

This nothing is worth my dying for.

You deemed me a worthy

Candidate for grace.

When I rejected you,

You took my place.

I stopped and gazed

Upon your broken face,

Upon the holy one.

With a whispered love

My world,

The world of which I was

“most”

was rocked to the core.

You grabbed my heart

And opened my chest

You loosed chains and

Completed the arrest.

You cracked me open.

Arrested into freedom

Held captive by love.
I can see now that your grace is enough

Gently you seized my heart

And helped me to see:

My life is not about me.

My story is for God’s glory.

You alone are the reason

I have

The breath in my lungs to cry

Or to praise.

You are the strength in my feet

When the world gives way.

You are the author of this story of mine

Yet I shake my fist

And dare to correct the author of time.

I want my plan first

And so often I am unaware that

When I am at my worst it is then

I took it into my own hands.

Live to worship and

Live to serve.

What more can I do?

There is so much more you deserve

But I am incapable of giving

All of the praise due.

My story is not for my own good.

So be gentle of spirit and see

Where God leads.

I am a lamb

Walking in fields of green.

Lead me where you will

Still.

Life is not about me.

Dear Past Me:

Hey. It’s me. Well you. Yeah. You get it. I’m you in the future. There are just a few things I want you to know. I wish so desperately that you could fully grasp these things and we have the chance to put them into practice.

First off, life is going to be great. It’s beautiful! You will do things that you never, ever thought you would get to do by the time you are eighteen. Like travel to Italy; see the Colosseum, ride a gondola in Venice, visit the most perfect place in the entire world- San Gimignano. You will have friends that will stand by you through anything. You will laugh, a lot. You will learn to swing dance. You may not be good at it, but hey, you’ll love it as much as you think you will. You’ll (hopefully) go caving, and backpacking.

It’s not going to be easy, though. You will be scared, very, very, scared about growing up. You will battle anxiety, and depression, and a bunch of crap like that. People will get on your nerves. You won’t ever get a lead in one of Mrs. Cap’s plays. You will feel alone at times. Relationships that you thought were steady will change at the least opportune time. Grandparents will begin getting sick and you’ll worry and cry a lot.

Now that I've got that covered, can I give you some advice?

Practice piano, every day for as long as you can. Listen to Mom, because she really does know best. Tell her everything. Sing, at the top of your lungs, all the time. Don’t be afraid to talk about your problems. Painting your new room green is a good idea, even though mom says it’s not. You’ll still like it in ten years. Life goes by so fast, so please enjoy it. Getting older doesn’t bring freedom, you’ve got it right now. Go climb a tree, woman. Spend more time outside. Play house every day. The time is coming when you wish you could still play like you used to, and you will enjoy the memories of playing. Read, anything and everything. Don’t give up dance lessons- especially tap. Please, don’t give up dancing. You’ll come back to it (sort of) and wish you had kept up. Laughing is key, so find the humor in everything. Spend time dreaming. 

I know you are careful with your heart, but, just so you know: soon you’ll get a crush on a great guy. I mean a really great guy. But while you’re at college he’ll break your heart. Unintentionally, but he will. Just begin preparing yourself, it's not going to be easy. On the subject, you may as well give up your dreams about being sixteen. You won’t go on your first date (you won’t even have a boyfriend by the end of freshman year of college) or get your first kiss or have a boy ask you to prom. You will get your license, though, and it’s awesome. Driving is awesome.

Overall life at eighteen will be good. You will still love Robin Hood and Peter Pan and Disney in general. You’ll still love music and acting and imagining and pretending. You will be surrounded by people who love you. You will still love writing. You will love people deeply. You will adopt a “little sister” and love her as if she were related by blood. You will try to be someone she can look up to. You and Sara will be best friends. Mom will also be one of your best friends. And Daddy. You’ll have disagreements, but you’ll love him even more than you do now. Yeah, I didn’t think it was possible either. He is and will be the absolute best dad you could ever ask for. So hug him a lot.

Little me, be careful but take risks. One of the best decisions you’ll make will be a complete leap of faith. But I’ll keep that one a secret. ;)

I still don’t know what comes next. Life next year is just a big question mark. I’m working on it though. We may end up being a music teacher! and we may end up going to Gordon, just like mom did. I don’t know who we will marry or anything like that, but I know that God is good. He’s not nearly done working with you yet. This is just the beginning.

So just take it a day at a time. Life doesn’t seem so big when your God is bigger, and it’s not so threatening when you take it step by step.

This is going to be one heck of an adventure, Rach.

Best regards,

Future you.

Spring

Spring is a memory whispered on the breeze. It’s the promise of warmth carried on the backs of the returning birds. It’s wiggling your bare toes through the cold damp dirt. Spring is that distinct, amazing smell that  fills the air. Spring is dancing around in your kitchen with the windows cracked open. It’s that overwhelming excitement you feel when you see the first buds opening on the trees. It is opening the windows while you are driving, even though it’s still too cold to be comfortable. It means listening to your guilty pleasure music just because it seems to fit the moment. Spring is dying Easter eggs and eating Cadbury eggs. It’s playing your favorite outdoor games for the first time after a long winter. It’s pretending that you’re not cold as you stubbornly wear shorts and flip-flops. It is wishing that you could see Aslan for real.

Spring is music, and memory, and promise. It’s joy, and excitement, and laughter. Spring is rain, and clouds, and sunshine. It’s flowers, and swings, and bare feet.

Spring is coming.

Yield

Well, it’s happened.

I moved. I’m at college! Well, sort of. I am doing a gap year program called OneLife. (Information here)

In one of the first sessions, the speaker had us walk out of our classroom into a larger room where there were a bunch of papers displaying highway signs. He told us to “Think about where we are in our walk with God, choose a sign that reflects our spiritual journey and where you think God wants you to be.”

Almost immediately I found a yield sign and knew that’s the one I was supposed to take. As I sat back down and started pondering my “sign”, I thought through how I would explain why I chose what I chose. I began writing in my notebook everything that was running through my mind. I wrote out how two years ago I went through a rough year and how again recently I have been struggling with the same things. It doesn’t make sense to me why here of all places- in the most God-centered, Christ-seeking, loving, encouraging environment I have ever been- I am being broken in the same ways.

I kept trying to make it better. I tried to fix myself. I keep thinking that life is something I could deal with on my own.

I can’t. I can’t fix myself by myself. I am too broken, too far gone to have a hope of mending myself.   But thank God I don’t have to.

That’s why I chose the yield sign. It feels like God is (again) showing me I need to completely yield myself to him.

When I talk things into my control I worry, I become hesitant.

My fear of the unknown caused me to consider dropping the whole OneLife thing.  I was too scared. I had no idea what it would be like. I didn’t know how anything could be better than what I’d already had.

But, after being here for almost exactly two months, I can say this will probably turn out to be one of the best decisions I ever make. This year is going to be unbelievably challenging, exhausting, but probably the best learning experience of my life. Even though I hated the idea of meeting new people, I now can’t imagine my life without them.

I want to leave you with this thought: Yield to God. Everything. I’m not saying he will cure you, or fix whatever’s broken. But yielding to Him is the first step to true healing. Give Him your anger and bitterness and worries and fears. He died a gruesome horrible death so you don’t have to live with darkness filling you. He took the darkness (anger, bitterness, worry and fear) upon himself. We like to take it back over and over and make it our own. Give it to Him. Cast your burdens on him who bears your load. Take up His burden instead, because His yoke is easy and His burden is light. He will lead your soul beside the still waters. You will have peace and rest in Him. He is good and He is kind and He is there. He is always there.

If you need me, I'll be on the swings.

It will not come as a surprise to those who know me that one of my favorite pastime is swinging (and for once in 2014 I mean swinging on a swing set, not swing dancing). For as long as I can remember the swing set has been my ‘thinking place’. When I was little, I would spend my time on the swings imagining the world away.  Now that I’m older….I still imagine  the world away. But I do more than that now: I ponder.

As I sat on the swing tonight I thought about my life and how it is changing. College is literally two days away. College. In Pennsylvania. Six hours from home and friends. I am scared silly. Then I realized that this sounds really familiar to me.

Oxymoronically, though swinging is one of my favorite pastimes, it happens to be one of my fears as well. Whenever I swing, I imagine (at least briefly) the horrific injuries that would occur if the swing set broke. I could fall and break my neck. Or break my legs. I’d die. I’d be crippled for life; the possible injuries are endless. And yet, every time I swing, I shove those thoughts to the back of my mind and pump my legs harder. I enjoy swinging too much to allow my fear to get in the way.

Then it hit me.

If I can trust two trees, some wood, screws, and rope to hold me up, I think I can trust the Maker of the universe to support me.

Yes, everything is changing. My life is going in a new direction. I’m moving “down south”. I am going to live with people I have never me. I am scared of leaving home. I’m scared my friends will forget me or that it will be awkward when I come back. I’m honestly scared of meeting new people. I’m just scared.

But, just like a swing set, God will hold me. Through rocky times, through unsteady times, through dizzying times, God will hold me. He’s been with me as I grew up, and He will be with me as I keep growing. I can't let my fear of falling prevent me from all the good that can-and will-come out of next year. My "swing set" won't collapse on me. My support will hold through any loneliness and fear I experience. Change will be painful, but I won't die or be crippled for life.

And you know what? God will be with me through the change.

Since my childhood, another type of swing has become a love of mine. Swing dancing! It’s a long story of how swing dancing came about in my life, but the point is simply that the type of swing I enjoy now is different, but equally as good. Change is good and God will be with me through it all.

Now, before I sign off for the night I’d like to share a few bits of wisdom I learned tonight on the swings.

1. Swinging in a long skirt is just as therapeutic as ever.  
2. Standing up on the swing is not as enjoyable when your head nearly hits the top of the swing set.
3. Flipping upside down on the swing is awesome!
4. Nearly hitting your head on the ground, not so much.
5. Swinging on your stomach is not nearly as fun as it was. It will give you a stomach ache.
6. Twisting your swing and then letting it spin you is still one of the best feelings ever.

Just thought I’d share some tidbits of wisdom :)

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Jesus song of the day: Live With Abandon by Newsboys

Secular song of the day: Young at Heart by Bing Crosby

I'm singing songs in my sleep,
Seeking worlds far away,
Chasing clouds through the night,
and chasing stars through the day.
Finding dreams where they fell
like a light from the sky,
I am grasping at time
as she passes me by.

Cascading from hills
like a drop from the storm,
I’ve been wishing on the leaves
since the day I was born.
With a song in my heart
and words in my head,
I fear we'll depart
with the words still unsaid