God is in disappointment.
It seems odd, doesn't it?
As I said in one of my earlier posts, as soon as 2014 hit things started happening (or not happening) in my life that I didn't expect. In January I auditioned for a part in a play that my homeschool co-op was doing. I have done the drama program in the co-op since 2009 and have never scored a lead. I figured, seeing as I had so much experience under my belt and had been told by the director that she wanted me to try out for this specific role that I basically had it in the bag. I expected to get the part. Looking back I realize how selfish and arrogant that was, but I managed to lead myself to believing that this part was meant for me.
And then I didn't get the part.
I was beyond disappointed and angry. Wrongfully angry, but angry (Note: I have talked about this with the girl who did get the part and my director and have asked forgiveness)
Even though I was so disappointed, I realized (eventually) that this was what was best. I learned how to love someone even though the situation was difficult and how to humbly accept not getting my own way.
Fast forward four months. It's the Saturday before the week of the show and somehow I managed to hurt my knee. I made it through tech day by sitting down and icing my knee whenever I could. I was in severe pain by the end of the day. Over the next few days I did everything the doctor said to, but my knee was still very sore. I was, once again, disappointed. I had expected to soar through the last play of my high school career easily, capturing the spotlight (again, my arrogance at work). But there I was, barely able to walk, with or without a limp. I had to dance! I had to wear high heels! How was I ever supposed to be the independent, capable actress I wanted to be?
It was then I realized that I was leaning on my own ability, and not on God or even my fellow actors. I prayed about that for a long time, and though God didn't heal my knee immediately, he gave me peace about it. Ironically, I made it through the play by (literally) leaning on my fellow actors whenever possible. I was dependent on the other actors walking me places or having one of them pull up a chair so I could sit down while I was off stage.
My disappointment in being invalid was changed. I was ok with not being solidly independent. I appreciated my friends so much more and felt closer to them because of my injury.
Fast forward another month. My graduation day is tomorrow and my grad party is right after the ceremony. Several of my closest friends (even some of my cousins) can't make it for various reasons. I was/am severely disappointed. It's been hard, changing my idea of what my graduation party would be like. But, if there's one thing I've learned this year, it's that God has a plan and it's good. No matter what happens, I'll have an amazing party. And even in my disappointment and grief, there's a lesson to be learned. There is a reason behind everything. That's not to say that I haven't cried about it, but God is beginning to give me peace with my situation, just as He did when I didn't get cast as Adelaide, and when I hurt my knee.
Each situation has just showed me that, though my life doesn't follow the plan I have and disappointment abounds, God is strong. That's comforting, isn't it?
God is still God, even when my world goes awry.
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Jesus song of the day: Joy- Rend Collective
Secular song of the day: Fun, Fun, Fun- Beach Boys
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